hold hypnotic influence over juries, like Satan waving a

absurd ability to influence real-life juries like Satan dangling   the judicial system in sometimes laughable, sometimes horrifying ways, like a dangling in front of a live studio jury.    have the effect of suggestive hypnotic influence of pop culture like a hypnotist dangling . As we’ve [previously covered],”CSI” is no exception, having convinced juries that nothing short of

solved a murder by comparing toenail clippings. “If I can match the nail in the sneaker to the suspect’s clipping

On Fri, Mar 18, 2011 at 8:18 PM, Jason Harrington <jason.e.harrington@gmail.com> wrote: 

x most absurd

As we’ve previously covered, television shows such as “CSI” have been proven to absurdly influence real-life courtrooms, like a hypnotist dangling a hologram-projecting pocket watch in front of a couch potato jury. But it turns out the absurdity isn’t just confined to the courtroom; there have been some absurd incidents involving crime scene and forensic investigations themselves that take the wind out of make CSI look like …absurd. Incidents like…

6. The Scene:
In 2010, investigators raided a fraudulent gambling operation outside of a hotel in Blackpool, England.The operation had been under surveillance for weeks. The operation was picked apart, disassembled, evidence was hauled off to a lab for analysis, handcuffs were slapped on the boss…another shyster off the streets. Another societal leech and robber baron safely behind bars, and so it was, the world became a safer place.
But wait...for all the hoopla, it turns out this wasn’t a case of a mob boss on par with Mo Green having had his operation shut down. It was all over a carnival game.

[actual image]
Pictured: The Operation.

Wait, what?: All the investigative hoopla was for just that: hoopla. The operation in question was a stall game of hoopla. And the head of the scheme was Phillip Williams. Basically, a carnie. “Step right up ladies and gentlemen and try your hand at the amazing game of hoopla!”
The face of organized crime.
Phillips had been running a hoopla stall outside the hotel, the kind where you attempt to toss a ring over a block from a distance; the kind of game that we all pretty much assume to be rigged as the 1909 World Series. But that didn’t stop authorities from launching a full blown investigation into the matter. After sending in two teenage girls strapped with hidden cameras to play the game, reviewing the footage and determining the game was rigged, breaking up the operation and disassembling the massive criminal complex, presumably with a Phillips screwdriver and a little elbow grease, they went so far as to send the “crime scene” over to Dr. David Lucy, a statistics expert at Lancaster University, so that the game could be “tested” by statisticians to determine the chances of winning. Dr. Lucy and his colleagues, who were in no way just fucking around in the name of science, proceeded to make nearly 600 throws “without any joy” which led him to calculate “on the geometry that one would have to try 2,600 times to stand a reasonable chance of being successful.”
[img people playing hoopla ridiculously]
Forensic science.

Things get even more absurd when you consider why this kill-a-fly-with-a-sledgehammer investigation was launched in the first place: tourists had actually been blowing their every last dime on this game, to the point that they consistently ended up broke and stranded. One of the victims was even a doctor. And what did Philips did his two weeks in jail and 270 hours of community service?  Got right out and set up another hoopla game, of course! One which immediately began receiving more complaints.




Everything else you need for this entry. Dr. David Lucy, BBC, Telegraph, Register.
Dr Lucy and his team set up the game and played it for hours, before producing diagrams that showed the odds against winning were at least 2622 to one.
Then they rushed in and seized everything.
X. The Scene: South London
For days, gunshots had been shattering silence in Heygate Estates, in Elephant and Castle. It seemed as though anarchy had really, truly, finally broken out in the U.K., and a few concerned citizens were uneasy about it. So the police were called one morning after a particularly pitched exchange. Cops rushed to the scene, where they found 1700 empty shell cases littered about the street. The casings were taken back to the lab and tested, where apparently…
Turned out: The cops had actually given permission for the gun battle, themselves.
Wait, what? In a bit of investigative idiocy to make the Keystone Cops look like a state of the art investigative unit, London police had actually given Foxtrot Entertainment the go ahead to shoot their gangster film, “The Veteran”  starring Toby Kebbell in that very same neighborhood. In addition to that, they had actually been present during the 3 days of filming. For an entity highly trained in the art of connecting dots and making those challenging links, you’d really think that someone from the police force would have been able to trace the shell casings back to the fucking shooting permit sitting on the sarge’s desk before the forensics technicians had to be brought into the picture to confirm that all 1700 bullets were, in fact, blank rounds, all of which had been fired under the supervision of the very same police who would come back to the scene the next day like neurologically challenged, magnifying glass-touting bloodhounds chasing their own tails.
And then, to top it all off…yes, of course, the cops actually threatened to charge the production company for wasting their time.
An actual still from “The Veteran” shoot.
It likely took Scotland yard a week
to determine this wasn’t bonus behind-
the-scene footage of an actual snuff film.
4.
The Scene: Forensic lab technician Ann Chamberlain works late into the night.  Hunched over her workspace in her lab in Lansing, Michigan, she’s hard at work on a case. This one is tough. This one gets to her at night.
She has nothing but a strand of pubic hair to go on, recovered from a suspect– one Charles Gordon Jr’s– underwear.  She has separated the hair’s DNA from other unwanted molecules by placing it in a chemical solution, spun it in a centrifuge,  removed the resulting filtered DNA, amplified it using a polymerase chain reaction, and then, finally, analyzed it for individually unique genes. She analyzes the results. The room goes carousel. Her stomach sinks. She doesn’t have a match–
–it’s not her pube–
–the evidence points almost irrefutably to one conclusion:
Her husband is banging another chick.
Wait, what?

Charles Gordon Jr. was Ann Chamberlain’s husband, and the undies in question were his. The pubic hair she found on his underwear, was not, as she suspected, hers, leading her to bring the full brunt of her forensic science prowess bearing down on her cheating husband and his crime of passion. During the divorce hearing  

that followed, she admitted that she ran the test on her own time, with state property chemicals from the laboratory. A violation of policy that got her terminated. All of this is even more ridiculous when considering the fact that Ann Chamberlain is an

award-winning scientist http://www.forsci.com/staff.html for her research and method development in embryonic/fetal DNA recovery. It seems passion truly can override logic, and that hell hath no fury like a woman-in-a-lab-coat scorned.

 

 

Also, this is kind of another reason to make you nervous about those home DNA testing kits, isn’t it…Tiger?

 

 

X. The scene: The East Side of London. Dozens of women are turning up dead in the
Turns out: The crime scenes are 122 years old, and the investigator is Patricia Cornwall, American crime novelist and attention whore
Wait,what? and author of the Scarpetta forensic investigation-themed series of novels, which began in 1990, and ended up being one of the major influences on “CSI” as we now know it, in all its jury-tainting glory.  IN 2002 she published Portrait of a Killer- Jack the Ripper: Case Closed, which failed to deliver on both premises, being that there will likely never be a true portrait of jack the ripper, short of the invention of the long-overdue time machine we’ve all been waiting on, and that the case was not in fact, not closed, but rather superficially reopened, butchered and exploited by Cornwell in an attempt to look cool.
[img]
Patricia the Ripper, investigating Jack the Ripper.
With her book, cornwell tossed her hat into this most famous century-old ring of “Name That Killer” with a definitive declaration that Walter Sickert, the highly influential 19th century English Impressionist painter who happened to be intrigued by the Ripper murders,  much like, oh, say, half the fucking world at that time, was the culprit. so she spent millions of dollars to hire entire teams of forensics investigators, bought 30 of sickert’s paintings, and set in on getting to the bottom of The Crime Of The 19th century all in the hopes of silencing her critics, who very correctly pointed out that her book’s claims were basically bullshit, and maybe, just maybe, generating publicity for herself and her book.  During her batshite insane investigation, Cornwell actually tore up one of Sickert’s paintings (keep in mind this is an art giant), and actually pored over hundreds of the letters signed “Jack The Ripper” which were sent to newspapers and the police at that time,  in an attempt to find evidence linking Sickert to one of the many Ripper letters. Now. Keep in mind that newspapers and police received hundreds of these letters during the time of the Ripper murders. Of the three letters given the most credibility,  the first, the one which introduced the world to the nickname “Jack The Ripper,” was eventually admitted to have been a hoax perpetrated by a journalist hoping to increase circulation of his newspaper.
Cornwell has been involved in a continuing, self-financed search for evidence to support her theory that painter Walter Sickert was Jack the Ripper. She wrote Portrait of a Killer—Jack the Ripper: Case Closed, which was published in 2002 to much controversy, especially within the British art world and among Ripperologists.[3][4][5] Cornwell denied being obsessed with Jack the Ripper in full-page ads in two British newspapers and has said the case was “far from closed”.[6][7] In 2001, Cornwell was criticized for allegedly destroying one of Sickert’spaintings in pursuit of the Ripper’s identity.[8] She believed the well-known painter to be responsible for the string of murders and had purchased over thirty of his paintings and argued that they closely resembled the Ripper crime scenes.[8] Cornwell also claimed a breakthrough: a letter written by someone purporting to be the killer, had the same watermark as some of Sickert’s writing paper.[8] Ripper experts noted, however, that there were hundreds of letters from different authors falsely claiming to be the killer, and the watermark in question was on a brand of stationery that was widely available.[9]
Seriously, writing letters claiming to be Jack the Ripper was like a national pastime for England in the late 19th century, with everyone from
he investigation was initially conducted by the Metropolitan Police Whitechapel (H) Division Criminal Investigation Department (CID) headed by Detective Inspector Edmund Reid
Police officials later claimed to have identified a specific journalist as the author of both the “Dear Boss” letter and the postcard.[105] The journalist was identified as Tom Bullen in a letter from Chief Inspector John George Littlechild to George R. Sims dated23 September 1913.[106] A journalist called Fred Best reportedly confessed in 1931 that he had written the letters to “keep the business alive”.[107]

Over the course of the Ripper murders, the police, newspapers and others received many hundreds of letters regarding the case.[85] Some were well-intentioned offers of advice for catching the killer but the vast majority were useless.[86]

Hundreds of letters claimed to have been written by the killer himself,[87] and three of these in particular are prominent: the “Dear Boss” letter, the “Saucy Jacky” postcard and the “From Hell” letter.[88]

X. Sometimes, you just have to say, “It appears as though death has occurred…”
There seems to be something about the U.K. that  makes it surprisingly conducive to balls out ridiculous crime scene investigations. Coming from the culture that gave us Sherlock Holmes, (MAKE THIS BANG0 you really wouldn’t expect this level of mind blowing incompetency. But here’s one that would have Sherlock rolling in his grave.
Turns out:
X. The Scene:  A woman’s apartment in Boston. Her television has been blaring for an unusually long time. Neighbors become concerned. Well, probably more pissed off than concerned. We’ve all had that neighbor.

Police enter the apartment and find a woman, dead, slouched over in a tub of cold water. Apparent overdose.  A few other officials are called to the scene.

Never gets any easier, they think as they zip up the body bag.

“When they’re young like this, it gets to you, sometimes,” are the words that seem to float in the awkward spaces between the the ambulance drivers’  forced small talk, body bumping along in the back. “Yeah, these are the tough ones.”

“But hopefully she’s in a better place now,” the funeral director mutters beneath his breath, as he closes the morgue drawer with finality.

“Let me the fuck out of here, please,” the dead woman pleads.

Turns out: She wasn’t really dead.

Wait, what? Like something straight out of a horror movie, the woman was an actual victim of the old “wake up in the morgue while still alive” scenario. Only this time, there was no fancy, ultra rare medical condition, such as cataplexy http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/517043/cataplexy_can_send_you_to_the_morgue.html to blame for the mishap. Let’s reconstruct the sequence of events:

– The police showed up on the scene and checked the situation out. Taped off the scene, and, as trained observers, failed to notice any rise and fall of chest action.  without ever getting around to taking a close l

-Then a homicide detective arrived on the scene, and, using his powers of keen intuition and fine-tuned investigative prowess, ruled out foul play, as well as the possibility of there being a pulse.

-The ambulance arrived to pick the woman up, presumably one manned by trained EMTs, who also managed to overlook the possibility of the “not dead” scenario.

-And finally, the funeral director, traditionally someone trained and quite experienced in dealing with corpses, failed to notice the “I’m not fucking dead, yet’ state of affairs. It was only when the funeral director heard a ‘faint noise” coming from the body bag that his Spidey senses kicked in and he realized what was going on.

When Fire Chief William Kee, the one in charge of the EMT section of the chain-failure, was asked about how such a thing could happen,  he offered the classic explanation that: “Sometimes, you just have to say, ‘it appears as though death has occurred.’

X. The Scene: Ft. Lauderdale, Florida.

Besides its rather insidious effect on juries who literally believe anything they see on T.V., ”CSI” and its many imitators have also had a similarly stupid  impact on high schools, universities and naive youths  everywhere, with thousands of students http://www.telegraph.co.uk/education/6348107/CSI-fuels-forensic-science-degree-rise.html having become convinced that a forensic science major will one day have them running around from crime scene to crime scene in a frenzied, high-octane, gun-toting whirlwind of badassery. Also, the kids are in it for the beard, and the chance to bang Sara Sidle.

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/7/7b/Grissomsara_csi.jpeg

Just change majors. If the above were to go down on your crime scene, it would actually becomes a crime scene within a crime scene.

In 2006, Ms. Messenger’s high school criminology class, one devoted to teaching kids the reality of crime scene evidence preservation, documentation, and collection, went on a field trip to a mock crime scene set up by Messenger at Fort Lauderdale’s Holiday Park.  All went according to plan, just as it had for the 20 years that Messenger had been teaching the class…

Fake blood-splattered weapons hidden in the bushes…bullet-ridden plastic skeletons… OJ-inspired planted leather gloves…shell casings that had nothing to do with the London Police…the corpse of a dead homeless man…

Wait, what?


fake skeletons with bullet holes and other evidence at mock crime scenes for more than 20 years to give her students a firsthand look at what crime scene investigators do.

The reality is that “CSI” has actually managed to confuse half the world as to what exactly a crime scene investigator is, with its amalgamation of traditional crime scene investigators, forensic scientists, and  action heroes.

Just change majors. The above will never happen on your crime scene.

For the record, crime scene investigators are the ones whose duty it is to mostly tape the scene off and make sure no one fucks with anything, evidence collectors are the ones who make sure  forensic scientists are

like Gill Grissom and Sara Sidle solving crimes by matching toenail clippings  Ms. Messenger’s 29 student criminology class at St. Thomas Aquinas High School

http://www.ehow.com/about_6292565_difference-between-csi-forensic-science_.html

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — Truth proved to be at least as strange as fiction for a high school criminology class investigating a fake crime scene after students discovered a real body on a field trip.

Teacher Sue Messenger has been planting fake skeletons with bullet holes and other evidence at mock crime scenes for more than 20 years to give her students a firsthand look at what crime scene investigators do.

“I think they kind of went into shock and disbelief, but also, you have to say it’s completely bizarre,” Messenger said. “I mean … what are the odds that we would be out here?”

The discovery Monday at Fort Lauderdale’s Holiday Park by 29 students from St. Thomas Aquinas High School jolted the class.

“It was a good crash course,” said student Juan Cantor, 15. “The first thing we thought was, ‘That’s a real good dummy she set up.'”

The body of the man, in his mid-50s, was not immediately identified. He appears to have died recently of natural causes, Fort Lauderdale police Sgt. Andy Pallen said.

Investigators arrive at scene of unidentified dead body (turns out to be natural causes), finds there’s already a team of investigators there. What the hell?

Turned out: A high school criminology class happened to stumble upon the dead body while on a mock CSI field trip, replete with mock planted evidence. Kid who found the body thought it was a dummy placed there by teacher, at first. (Man’s identity never ascertained).
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13168398/ns/us_news-weird_news/

“In Boston, sometimes, you just have to say: ‘It appears that death has occurred.’ ”

-Fire Chief William Kee, after the incident…

The third time they were allowed into the apartment by the property manager, aNevernd found the woman in a tub of cold water having apparently overdosed on pills.

Police called for an ambulance. Then a State Police homicide investigator was summoned and ruled there was no foul play.

No one realized she was alive until she was taken to John Matarese Funeral Home in Ashland where John Matarese heard a faint noise and discovered she was alive and unzipped her body bag.

Hears a faint scratching at the

,    had already visited the woman’s apartment complex in Ashland twice Saturday morning after neighbors had complained of loud television noise.

The third time they were allowed into the apartment by the property manager, aNevernd found the woman in a tub of cold water having apparently overdosed on pills.

Police called for an ambulance. Then a State Police homicide investigator was summoned and ruled there was no foul play.

No one realized she was alive until she was taken to John Matarese Funeral Home in Ashland where John Matarese heard a faint noise and discovered she was alive and unzipped her body bag.

Pawelec said the woman has now “recovered physically” from the incident.

Seriously, days. Concerned neighbors.
Haim
Donuts
Jesus, Kay Fab
Gil Grissom, the star criminalist, who is played by William Petersen, solved a murder by comparing toenail clippings. “If I can match the nail in the sneaker to the suspect’s clipping . . . ” Grissom mused, then did just that. 

X.

FORT LAUDERDALE, Fla. — Truth proved to be at least as strange as fiction for a high school criminology class investigating a fake crime scene after students discovered a real body on a field trip.

Teacher Sue Messenger has been planting fake skeletons with bullet holes and other evidence at mock crime scenes for more than 20 years to give her students a firsthand look at what crime scene investigators do.

“I think they kind of went into shock and disbelief, but also, you have to say it’s completely bizarre,” Messenger said. “I mean … what are the odds that we would be out here?”

The discovery Monday at Fort Lauderdale’s Holiday Park by 29 students from St. Thomas Aquinas High School jolted the class.

“It was a good crash course,” said student Juan Cantor, 15. “The first thing we thought was, ‘That’s a real good dummy she set up.'”

The body of the man, in his mid-50s, was not immediately identified. He appears to have died recently of natural causes, Fort Lauderdale police Sgt. Andy Pallen said.

Investigators arrive at scene of unidentified dead body (turns out to be natural causes), finds there’s already a team of investigators there. What the hell?

Turned out: A high school criminology class happened to stumble upon the dead body while on a mock CSI field trip, replete with mock planted evidence. Kid who found the body thought it was a dummy placed there by teacher, at first. (Man’s identity never ascertained).
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13168398/ns/us_news-weird_news/

6.
The Scene: Police are called to Virginia woman Kay Fab’s home. They arrive to find the home already cordoned off as a crime scene investigation, yellow tape and all. That’s why Kay Fab called the police, see. She was curious about this. What the fuck.

Turned Out: The mystery crime scene turned out to be a CSI-themed surprise birthday party for Kay. This annoyed the police. So Kay brought donuts to the police station the next day. Seriously. The Fab family apparently doesn’t do subtlety very well.
http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/news/virginia/080709_va_woman_mistakes_birthday_party_for_crime_scene

5.

The Scene:

Heygate Estate in Elephant and Castle, South London.Officers raced to the area after a member of the public found “bullets.” One of the things that “CSI” teaches us is that the members of the investigation team are all running smoothly, like a well-oiled machine, Intercommunication. Connected. On the same page. seamless communication between the investigators and the police. Nothing gets past them. They are perfectly coordinated synchronized via radio fancy communication pictures of cSIs on phone and computers and all connected funny caption all their communication technology blackberries Iphones CSI apps Fancy shit. All the fancy shit. .

Turns out, they just forgot. Push analogies. Keystone cops something.

Investigators called to Heygate Estate in Elephant and Castle, South London, due to reported gun activity. Investigators find 1,700 bullet casings. Forensic experts get involved, test the bullet casings. Must have been a major gun battle here then, right, mates?

Amazingly, they didn’t link the incident to a film crew who hours earlier fired 1,700 blank rounds for a scene in gang flick The Veteran. It stars Toby Kebbell, 28, as a squaddie who turns to crime.

Toby Kebbell plays a soldier returning from the Afghan war 

Crew … on three-day shoot

Two cops were present during three days of action. Then production staff swept up the empty shells. But next morning police were alerted to suspected gun activity on the Heygate Estate in Elephant and Castle, South London.

Forensic experts combed the streets and found some bullet casings. But it was not until the next day that tests revealed they were blanks – and the penny dropped.

Investigators called to Heygate Estate in Elephant and Castle, South London, due to reported gun activity. Investigators find 1,700 bullet casings. Forensic experts get involved, test the bullet casings. Must have been a major gun battle here then, right, mates?

No.

Turned out: The police had given Foxtrot Entertainment permission to film their gangster movie, “The Veteran,” the day before, and somehow forgotten about it. Casings and sounds of gunshots were from the fake gun battle. Police understandably embarrassed. As if it couldn’t get any more ridiculous, police then threaten to charge the production crew for wasting their time.
http://www.foxnews.com/world/2010/07/16/london-cops-mistake-movie-set-crime-scene/?test=latestnews

BUNGLING cops gave permission for a movie gun battle on an estate – then later declared it a CRIME SCENE.

Officers raced to the area after a member of the public found “bullets”.

Amazingly, they didn’t link the incident to a film crew who hours earlier fired 1,700 blank rounds for a scene in gang flick The Veteran. It stars Toby Kebbell, 28, as a squaddie who turns to crime.

Toby Kebbell plays a soldier returning from the Afghan war 

Crew … on three-day shoot

Two cops were present during three days of action. Then production staff swept up the empty shells. But next morning police were alerted to suspected gun activity on the Heygate Estate in Elephant and Castle, South London.

Forensic experts combed the streets and found some bullet casings. But it was not until the next day that tests revealed they were blanks – and the penny dropped.

Entertainment hire firm Foxtrot, which supplied guns for the filming, got approval from the Met Police. A spokesman said: “It is astonishing the police could not tie the two together.”

He said cops had suggested the firm could be charged with wasting police time.

The derelict estate – often used in ITV’s The Bill – is set to be demolished. Former resident Larry Colfer, 68, said: “It’s pretty stupid. Everyone knows there is always loads of filming going on.”

An actual photo from “The Veteran” shoot.
It likely took Scotland yard a week
to determine this wasn’t bonus behind-
the-scene footage of an actual snuff film.

A spokesman for Scotland Yard said the casings were “confirmed to be blanks” and inquiries were “ongoing”.

4.
“In Boston, sometimes, you just have to say: ‘It appears that death has occurred.’ “-Fire Chief William Kee, after the incident…  

Don’t disturb the crime scene! Etc! The classic thing! No tuching.
Apparently, this included woman’s pulse.
[img]

The scene: Officers arrive at woman’s apartment in Boston after complaints of incessantly blaring T.V. Find woman slouched over in bathtub of cold water. Suicide. Obviously. Paramedics zip her up and toss her in a body bag. She’s a goner. Sad to see. Case closed.

Turned out: Woman wakes up in body bag in morgue. She’s OK.  Investigators and EMTs never got around to actually checking her vitals. Because sometimes, in the city of Boston, you just have to say…
http://www.boston.com/news/daily/25/corpse.htm

Then a State Police homicide investigator was summoned and ruled there was no foul play.

No one realized she was alive until she was taken to John Matarese Funeral Home in Ashland where John Matarese heard a faint noise and discovered she was alive and unzipped her body bag.

Pawelec said the

3.
The Scene: Investigators surround health club in Minnesota, after a frightened employee reports that a suspicious male with dark hair, bearded and bleeding had walked down to the showers. Surely, an epic standoff was about to ensue. That guy was just freshening up after a full blown Minnesota massacre. Who knows what’s next.

Turned out: It was just Jesus. The man was Lee Backhaus, who had just played Jesus in the annual Passion Drama presented by Zion Lutheran Church and Good Shepherd Lutheran in Alexandria. Showering off after a hard day of hitting the stations.
http://ksax.com/article/stories/S1500815.shtml?cat=10230

2.
The Scene: Police show up to a house where it’s suspected that a man is being held captive and tortured by gangsters. When they get there, place is empty. “Must have been a false alarm” they think. A little while later a pizza delivery boy shows up, finds out the police didn’t order the pizza. “Must be the wrong address,” he thinks. Cops know an opportunity when they see it, buy the pizza off the delivery boy at reduced price, sit in their squad cars scarfing it down.

extra toppings/pizza hut promotion joke/meatlovers/ sardines/ stuffed crust…stuffed crust. DONUTS joke. At least it wasn’t donuts. If the evidence had consisted of donuts.
exhibit A
[img pizza]
Exhibit a. Exhibit

All just one big misunderstanding and a happy coincidence, no harm done.

Turns out: There had been 2 gangsters torturing a man just before the cops arrived, two gangsters who had ordered a pizza. The victim had escaped through a window when the gangsters weren’t looking, gangsters fled, police arrived, then delivery boy arrived.

Cops unknowingly ate the gangster’s pizza, a.k.a. the evidence. Pizza boxes had the gangster’s cell phone numbers on the attached receipts, too. Luckily, the cops didn’t throw the boxes out, just tossed them in the trunk.

They ate the evidence. For christ’s sake. Picture, caption, “Umm num num, funny”

So it was only mildly embarrassing for them in court when one of the prosecutors actually uttered the phrase: “The officers ate some of the evidence, Your Honor.”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1334752/Police-eat-criminals-pizza-evidence-crime-scene.html

1.
The scene: Investigators called in to Pittsburgh hotel where they discover a hotel-room-blood-bath. Chief investigator describes it at the time as ‘the most grisly murder scene in his 35 years in law enforcement’. Detectives spend  eight hours of overtime on the investigation, getting to the bottom of the matter.

Turned out: The blood wasn’t real and the murder scene was, in fact, the leftover set of a horror movie, “New Terminal Hotel,”  filmed two years prior. Starring Corey fucking Haim.

Check Corey Haim filmography.****

Not

Dr Lucy and his team set up the game and played it for hours, before producing diagrams that showed the odds against winning were at least 2622 to one. Basically, about what you would expect from a carnival game.

 

By: Eddie Westnorth

As we’ve previously covered, TV shows such as “CSI” have been proven to absurdly influence real-life courtrooms, like a hypnotist dangling a hologram-projecting pocket watch in front of a La-Z-Boy-seated jury. But it turns out the absurdity isn’t just confined to the courtroom; there have been a few extraordinarily absurd incidents involving crime scene and forensic investigations themselves.  Incidents like…

2. Incompetency in the U.K.

The Scene: South London
For days, gunshots had been shattering silence in Heygate Estates, in Elephant and Castle. It seemed as though anarchy had really, truly, finally broken out in the U.K., and a few concerned citizens were uneasy about it. So the police were called one morning after a particularly pitched exchange. Cops rushed to the scene, where they found 1700 empty shell cases littered about the street. The casings were taken back to the lab and tested. By God, a massacre must have taken place here, right?

Wrong.

Turned out: The cops had actually given permission for the gun battle, themselves.

Wait, what? In a bit of investigative idiocy to make the Keystone Cops look like a state of the art detective agency, London police had actually given Foxtrot Entertainment the go ahead to shoot their gangster film, “The Veteran”  starring Toby Kebbell in that very same neighborhood. In addition to that, they had actually been present during the 3 days of filming. For an entity highly trained in the art of connecting dots and making those challenging links, you’d really think that someone from the police force would have been able to trace the shell casings back to the copy of the fucking shooting permit sitting on the sarge’s desk before the forensic technicians had to be brought into the picture to confirm that all 1700 bullets were, in fact, blank rounds, all of which had been fired under the supervision of the very same police who would come back to the scene the next day like a pack of neurologically-disabled bloodhounds chasing their own tails.

And then, to top it all off…yes, of course, the cops actually threatened to charge the production company for wasting their time. Coming from the culture that gave us Sherlock Holmes, you really would expect a little more.


An actual still from “The Veteran” shoot. It likely took Scotland Yard a week to determine this wasn’t bonus behind-the-scene footage of a self-immolation snuff film.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3056571/London-cops-shoot-themselves-in-the-foot.html

3. Bringing Out The Dead

The Scene: A woman’s apartment in Boston. Her television has been blaring for an unusually long time. Neighbors become concerned. Well, probably more pissed off than concerned. We’ve all had that neighbor.

Police enter the apartment and find a woman, dead, slouched over in a tub of cold water. Apparent overdose.  A few other officials are called to the scene.

“Never gets any easier–” they think as they zip up the body bag.

“–when they’re young like this, really tears you up–” are the words that seem to float in the awkward spaces between the the ambulance drivers’  forced small talk, body bumping along in the back.

“–to see them check out in their prime– goddamned shame,” the funeral director mutters beneath his breath, as he closes the morgue drawer with finality. “But hopefully, she’s in a better place, now–”

“–please, let me the fuck out of here,” pleads the dead woman.

Wait, what? Like something straight out of a horror movie, the woman was an actual victim of the old “wake up in the morgue” scenario. Only this time, there was no fancy, ultra rare medical condition, such as cataplexy to blame for the mishap. Let’s reconstruct the sequence of events:

1. The police showed up on the scene and checked the situation out. Taped off the scene, and, as trained observers, failed to notice any rise and fall of chest action.

2. Then a homicide detective arrived on the scene, and, using his powers of keen intuition and fine-tuned investigative prowess, ruled out foul play, as well as the possibility of there being a pulse.

3. The ambulance arrived to pick the woman up, presumably one manned by trained EMTs, who also managed to overlook the possibility of the “not dead” scenario.

4. And finally, the funeral director, traditionally someone trained and quite experienced in dealing with corpses, failed to notice the “I’m not fucking dead, yet’ state of affairs. It was only when the funeral director heard a ‘faint noise” coming from the body bag that his Spidey senses kicked in and he realized what was going on.

When Fire Chief William Kee, the one in charge of the EMT section of the chain-failure, was asked about how such a thing could happen,  he offered the classic explanation that, due to shortages in the city of Boston’s crime scene response budget, “Sometimes, you just have to say, ‘it appears as though death has occurred.”


(Spoiler alert) Pictured: What happens when there are shortages in crime scene response budgets.

http://www.boston.com/news/daily/25/cor

5. Child’s Play

The Scene: Ft. Lauderdale, Florida.

Besides its rather insidious effect on juries who literally believe anything they see on T.V., ”CSI” and its many imitators have also had a similarly stupid  impact on high schools, universities and naive youths  everywhere, with thousands of students around the world  having become convinced that a forensic science major will one day have them running around from crime scene to crime scene like Gil Grissom in a frenzied, high-octane, arrest-making whirlwind of badassery. Also, the kids are, alternately, in it for the beard, and the chance to bang Sara Sidle.


Just change majors, kids. If the above were to go down on your crime scene, it would probably just become a crime scene within a crime scene.

In 2006, teacher Sue Messenger’s high school criminology class–a class devoted to teaching kids the reality of crime scene processing– went on a mock crime scene investigation set up by Messenger at Fort Lauderdale’s Holiday Park.  All went according to plan, just as it had for the 20 years that Messenger had been teaching the class…

Fake blood-splattered weapons hidden in the bushes…”bullet-ridden” cardboard skeletons… OJ-inspired planted leather gloves…shell casings that had nothing to do with the London Police…the rotting corpse of a dead man…

Wait, what?

In the kind of coincidence that lends credence to Voltaire’s notion of God as comedian, Ms. Messenger’s mock CSI field trip stumbled across a real dead body. All was, indeed, going according to plan, until St. Thomas Aquinas Junior Josh Rosenthal noticed a hand protruding from beneath an industrial air conditioning unit. Though the hand and the body attached to it likely seemed beyond the pale of papier-mâché classroom props,   Rosenthal, according to his teacher, pretty much just assumed that the body was a dummy and that the entire thing was a joke, as did the rest of the class, at least up until the point that the real crime scene investigators arrived and thankfully decided to end the cosmic joke right there, as opposed to handcuffing Josh as a person of interest in another hard lesson in functions that real-life crime scene investigators don’t perform.

The man, who was determined to have died of natural causes, was never identified, constituting yet another myth-busting bomb in the blitzkrieg of hard realities that came raining down upon the students’ heads that day:positive  matches aren’t always made. As Rosenthal said of his sobering discovery after the incident: “It turns you onto it because it’s helping the community. It turns you off of it because it’s, like, disturbing.”

Actual crime scenes investigation, disturbing? Yes. Welcome to the real world, kids.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/13168398/ns/us_news-weird_news/
http://wideshut.co.uk/yet-another-staged-crime-scene-at-uk-school/

6. The Pittsburgh Hotel Massacre

]The Scene: When firefighters were summoned to a blaze in The George Washington Hotel in 2010, they had no idea what they were in for when they broke down the door of a long-abandoned room at the end of a hallway. They were shocked; it was a scene the likes of which they’d never before laid eyes on. The police were immediately called in.

At the time, Police Chief J.R. Blyth, the man in charge of the investigation, described the discovery as “the most grisly murder scene in my 35 years in law enforcement.” The room looked like Jackson Pollock had hit it with a paint brush and a bucket of blood. There were bottles of alcohol strewn about, as well as a chunk of scalp.

The room was taped off, a team of investigators was called in, and they set to work. They logged a total of 8 hours of overtime before Chief Blyth came to the realization: they’d gotten it all wrong. There was more to this than they’d even begun to imagine.

They were dealing with the unthinkable.

This, was a case…of Corey Haim shenanigans.

Wait, what the fuck?

It turned out they’d all just stumbled upon the two year old leftover set of the straight-to-DVD horror movie New Terminal Hotel, starring Corey Haim, a movie that apparently was pretty goddamned gory for a Corey Haim flick.


OK, so it was hard for them to get out of The Shining’s shadow with this one. Even in terms of avoiding the use of young Jack Nicholson’s clone

.

The hotel’s owner, Kyrk Pyros,  had decided to leave the room untouched, in case the crew ever had to come back for re-shoots. Although, you would think that two years on, the possibility of the crew returning was just about moot. It was more likely the case that, for Mr. Kyros, that leftover movie set was the equivalent of a tender kiss on the cheek from Corey Haim that he vowed he’d never wash off.


And who can blame him. Really, the guy was dreamy.

To be fair to the investigators, the George Washington Hotel doesn’t have the best of reputations to begin with, when one considers the 12 deaths that have occurred on its premises since 1923, and the local rumors of it being haunted. Then there was the fire. So, all in all, a gruesome murder scene discovery would actually be par the course for the George Washington Hotel.

Seriously, fuck this hotel.

(Cut and pasted the other entries offline, just for the hell of it, will start knocking out Jesus, birthday party and the pizza incident tomorrow after work. En route.)

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/forums/index.php?topic=82394.msg1803040#msg1803040#ixzz1I3JNR6fx



The Scene: Investigators surround health club in Minnesota, after a frightened employee reports that a suspicious male with dark hair, bearded and bleeding had walked down to the showers. Surely, an epic standoff was about to ensue. That guy was just freshening up after a full blown Minnesota massacre. Who knows what’s next.

Turned out: It was just Jesus. The man was Lee Backhaus, who had just played Jesus in the annual Passion Drama presented by Zion Lutheran Church and Good Shepherd Lutheran in Alexandria. Showering off after a hard day of hitting the stations.
http://ksax.com/article/stories/S1500815.shtml?cat=10230

2.
The Scene: Police show up to a house where it’s suspected that a man is being held captive and tortured by gangsters. When they get there, place is empty. “Must have been a false alarm” they think. A little while later a pizza delivery boy shows up, finds out the police didn’t order the pizza. “Must be the wrong address,” he thinks. Cops know an opportunity when they see it, buy the pizza off the delivery boy at reduced price, sit in their squad cars scarfing it down. All just one big misunderstanding and a happy coincidence, no harm done.

Turns out: There had been 2 gangsters torturing a man just before the cops arrived, two gangsters who had ordered a pizza. The victim had escaped through a window when the gangsters weren’t looking, gangsters fled, police arrived, then delivery boy arrived. Cops unknowingly ate the gangster’s pizza, a.k.a. the evidence. Pizza boxes had the gangster’s cell phone numbers on the attached receipts, too. Luckily, the cops didn’t throw the boxes out, just tossed them in the trunk.

They ate the evidence. For christ’s sake. Picture, caption, “Umm num num, funny”

So it was only mildly embarrassing for them in court when one of the prosecutors actually uttered the phrase: “The officers ate some of the evidence, Your Honor.”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1334752/Police-eat-criminals-pizza-evidence-crime-scene.html

The scene: Alexandria, Minnesota

Nothing ever happens in Alexandria.  Alexandria is the kind of town where news of an altered hairstyle rolls faster down the streets than even the tumbleweeds.  So when a man walked into Alexandria’s Racquetball Plus Fitness Center, long-haired,  bearded and dripping with blood, it didn’t take long for the police to be called to the scene. The fitness center’s employees were terrified; the man had simply strolled right in and headed straight for the showers, presumably to rinse the cold, cold murder off his body whilst whistling effervescently.

Surely, this could be nothing but a case of a man freshening up after having committed the most brutal crime in Alexandria’s 153 year history. A SWAT team surrounded the club. Officers were sent in to question the staff. It would take nothing short of Jesus Christ Almighty Second Coming to the scene to defuse the situation.

And that’s exactly what happened. In fact, He’d been there all along.

Wait, what? It turned out it was just Jesus–  Lord had mercy and the investigators gave an amen!  Local man Lee Backhaus had just played “Jesus” in Zion Lutheran Church’s annual Easter Passion Drama, and had simply needed to wash away the sinful amount of fake blood splatter  he had accumulated after a hard day of hitting the stations.

 

 

altered hairstyle spreads faster than

 

The Scene: Hertford, U.K.

When police officers arrived at the scene where it was suspected that three gangsters were torturing and holding a man hostage, they had a surprise in store for them. Word on the street was that the local drug kingpin, known only as “CJ,” had sent his cronies over to the man’s house to convince him to stop moving in on CJ’s turf. But when the officers entered the home, it was empty; not a drug-trafficking soul in sight. They snooped around for a while, until they began to notice one telltale sound: their stomachs were growling. They were hungry, hungry police. Right on cue,  the doorbell rang. A Dominoes Pizza delivery man stood in the doorway,  apparently as the result of a mistaken address.

The cops knew a good opportunity when they saw it, offering to buy the pizza from the kid at a reduced rate. Everyone was happy– the delivery man got a tip, the cops got a killer deal and, in celebration, proceeded to return to their squad car to hold an all out pizza party, ravenously scarfing down their two deep dish pizzas. The only problem being  that it wasn’t just pizza they were eating.

It was the evidence.

Wait, what? It turned out, there had been 3 gangsters torturing a man just before the cops arrived, three gangsters who had ordered a pizza. The victim had escaped through a window when the gangsters weren’t looking, prompting the gangsters to flee. The police then arrived, followed by the delivery man, all of them presumably acting under the suggestion of an unseen improv comedy audience member who had shouted out “Agatha Christie meets Monty Python!”

Eventually, when the gangsters were apprehended and the pizza partying police officers were called in to testify, lead prosecutor on the case, Sally Meaking-McLeod, when recounting the sequence of events, actually uttered the words, “it came to light that the officers had eaten the evidence.” Constituting perhaps the most shameful sentence ever formed in police investigative history
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1334752/Police-eat-criminals-pizza-evidence-crime-scene.html#ixzz1IISDwt7d

Cops unknowingly ate the gangster’s pizza, a.k.a. the evidence.

dn’t have to deal with any pesky shootouts, and, on top of it all, they got to return to their squad car and scarf down some

The delivery boy obliged, the cops left the scene to go back to their squad car, and proceeded to have an all out pizza party.

Police show up to a house where it’s suspected that a man is being held captive and tortured by gangsters. When they get there, place is empty. “Must have been a false alarm” they think. A little while later a pizza delivery boy shows up, finds out the police didn’t order the pizza. “Must be the wrong address,” he thinks. Cops know an opportunity when they see it, buy the pizza off the delivery boy at reduced price, sit in their squad cars scarfing it down. All just one big misunderstanding and a happy coincidence, no harm done.




Police show up to a house where it’s suspected that a man is being held captive and tortured by gangsters. When they get there, place is empty. “Must have been a false alarm” they think. A little while later a pizza delivery boy shows up, finds out the police didn’t order the pizza. “Must be the wrong address,” he thinks. Cops know an opportunity when they see it, buy the pizza off the delivery boy at reduced price, sit in their squad cars scarfing it down. All just one big misunderstanding and a happy coincidence, no harm done.

Turns out: There had been 2 gangsters torturing a man just before the cops arrived, battering a chair-tied man across the face with frying pans.  The victim had escaped through a window when the gangsters weren’t looking, gangsters fled, police arrived, then delivery boy arrived. Cops unknowingly ate the gangster’s pizza, a.k.a. the evidence. Pizza boxes had the gangster’s cell phone numbers on the attached receipts, too. Luckily, the cops didn’t throw the boxes out, just tossed them in the trunk.

They ate the evidence. For christ’s sake. Picture, caption, “Umm num num, funny”

So it was only mildly embarrassing for them in court when one of the prosecutors actually uttered the phrase: “The officers ate some of the evidence, Your Honor.”
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1334752/Police-eat-criminals-pizza-evidence-crime-scene.html

Police officers wolfed down pizzas at a crime scene without realising they had been ordered by the very suspects they had been hunting, a court heard.

They bought the two deep pan pizzas at a reduced price from a delivery boy after the gang who ordered them refused to answer the door.

The Old Bailey heard the food had been ordered by the gang from the Hertfordshire house they were holding a drug dealer hostage, in April.

The victim was beaten and bound to a chair and battered across the face with frying pans.

During his ordeal the gang ordered a Domino’s pizza but before the food arrived the victim escaped through a window and raised the alarm at a nearby building site.

Police arrived to find the delivery boy and then ‘ate the evidence’ outside the house.

The following day another officer found the boxes in the boot of the police car.

‘The address was written on the pizza box, together with the time, 5.13pm, and a mobile telephone number,’ said prosecutor Sally Meaking-McLeod.

The empty boxes were seized and produced in court as an exhibit for the jury to examine.

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1334752/Police-eat-criminals-pizza-evidence-crime-scene.html#ixzz1IFBJHc00

 

The Scene: Vienna, Va.- When local woman Kay Fab pulled up to her residence one night, she was sure that tragedy had finally struck. Though the sight of yellow crime scene tape surrounding her home struck her like a yield sign,  still, she dared to step out of her car and creep a  little closer, for a glimpse of what she was sure to be a scene of life-changing carnage. And a scene of carnage it was.

Strewn about in the shadows was a severed arm, a foot, a weapon of some sort. Looking to the house, she saw human forms hovering past the windows. When she noticed the dark figure of a man lurking further back in the garage, she decided she’d had enough.  Her husband was in there–those could have been his apendages, in fact– but fuck that.  Kay Fab had seen enough horror movies to know you don’t dawdle at times like that, so she made a beeline for the police station.

When she returned to the scene police officer in tow,

 

standing the dark figure of a man.

 

Looking to the house she saw human forms

In fact, there was a full-fledged, bloody crime scene spilled across her carport.

And there was suspicious activity all around.

“She could tell there were people in the house, and she was not expecting that and she could see some dark figure standing in the carport,” her husband said.

Kay decided not to go one step further. She went down the street and called the cops. When an officer arrived, he approached the house and what he found was indeed surprising.

 

 

 

 

Police are called to Virginia woman Kay Fab’s home. They arrive to find the home already cordoned off as a crime scene investigation, yellow tape and all. That’s why Kay Fab called the police, see. She was curious about this. What the fuck.Turned Out: The mystery crime scene turned out to be a CSI-themed surprise birthday party for Kay. This annoyed the police. So Kay brought donuts to the police station the next day. Seriously. The Fab family apparently doesn’t do subtlety very well.http://www.myfoxdc.com/dpp/news/virginia/080709_va_woman_mistakes_birthday_party_for_crime_scene

 

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About questionnothing

This blog is going to be slowly formed. But it will turn into something amusing soon. I'm a writer, working on getting into some serious literature publications right now, but as I find time, I'll start to do the blogging thing. This is my experimental go at it. When I really get down to it, things will get serious, very quickly. In a good way.

Posted on March 21, 2011, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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